ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
