I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
