My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
