yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
how do you play pong handcuffed?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
