I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Randomize
