____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
