I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
