I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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