ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
