The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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