I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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