Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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