Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
