if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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