if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
