PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
