so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
