he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
