So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
