Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
