she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
