Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
