I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
