she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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