after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize