The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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