I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
