FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
