How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
