Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
