kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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