ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
