i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
