I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
