A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
