I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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