also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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