This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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