I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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