I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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