i just wanna soil my oats bro
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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