Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
