I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
