So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
