i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just had sex bonerless
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
