Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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