i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
