he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
