you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
