I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
