I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
