She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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