Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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