it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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