a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's blow job season.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
