I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
