It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
