I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You ate ashes out of my bong
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
