Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
